2001-04-01 - April Fools Day
The Big Room, Hav 409
[Band marches in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and G-Chem students, back despite the chem department's court order against us, it's the most pre-professional band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Mercenary Bastards who are in school only as a means to the end of monetary gain and will be a thousand times richer than their infinitely more deserving betters who actually have an intellectual passion
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Len Fine - Material Scientist
J. Pre-Meds - Materialists
and J. This script - 20% New Material!
[fanfare]
presents an all-star gala April Fool's salute to those of you silly enough to get up this early to come to chemistry. (pause) Of course, we all got up this early to attend a marching band event, but uh... (cough) ... play something!
[who owns]
As the most recent issue of the 'Columbia Record' tells us, Columbia's been given half a million dollars by the National Science Foundation to found the Industry/University Center for Surfactants. In case you haven't been doing your homework, a surfactant is just what a chemist calls detergent. That's right, Columbia has been given five hundred thousand dollars to play with soap. Our scientists were thrilled at the news, as Columbia was up against some perennial favorites: The Ponds Institute Biore's Center for Dirt-Loc Studies and Dow Chemical's Academy for Scrubbing Bubbles. One team member, Nicholas Turro of the Chemistry Department, remarked, "We have filed a patent application covering novel applications of N-alkyl-2-pyrrolidones." Turro then went back to his work, pouring grape juice on two identical white blouses. He washed one in the leading university's detergent and another with new Columbia Surfactants. Unfortunately, the results were not in as of press time. The Band now salutes our scientists on the brink and plays "Sweet Surfactant Of Mine."
[sweet child]
Recently the national center for disease control has begun to investigate a suspected outbreak of foot and mouth disease in Vermont which involved a group of Dartmouth study-abroad students who recently returned from Great Britain. Dartmouth President James Wright anrgily rebuked the accusations against his students. "Not only do these claims perpetuate the unfair stereotype that Dartmouth students participate in animal husbandry, everyone knows that influenza is the only known Sheep STD," President Wright explained, occasionally pausing to sneeze. Most Dartmouth students refused to answer the accusations. One coyly commented, "We hear they've got a lot of animals to get rid of over in England... I think I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say, 'Send them over here, we'd love to tear them up.'" Meanwhile, back at Columbia, the university has chosen to downplay the increased rate of blisters on the hooves, mouths, and teats of students eating beef at John Jay Dining Hall. According the director of Health and Related Services, the increase probably has more to do with the fact that the dining hall considers grub worms to be an acceptable shrimp substitute. In honor of the nation's meat supply, the band now forms a tray of John Jay pepper steak and plays "Open Your Mouth."
[open your heart]
The addition of the What Bar to the Amsterdam strip has both students and sociology professors excited. "This is a fascinating change in the environment of Morningside Heights," sociology chair James Stark explained, "This addition to the artsy/grad student side of the bar scene may in fact dilute their hold on Amsterdam Avenue, allowing jocks to seize a portion of their territory." So far, the professor's predictions have proven to be accurate, as the basketball team's girlfriends were recently seen dancing on the bar at SoHa. Recently tensions reached a boiling point at 1020 when drunken freshman scrabble champ Daniel Goldman tried to pick a fight with star running back Jonathan Reese. Luckily, Rider Strong broke up the scuffle by smashing a Corona bottle against the bar and threatening to "regulate Hollywood-style." In honor of Hegelian synthesis... wait... I suppose none of you have taken CC... In honor of Pokemon, the band now forms Pikachu and plays Venusaur."
[venus]
G'night folks.
[March out to Roar]